loveexpert

“So if you are a love expert than I do have a little conundrum of sorts I would love to be resolved….
I have fallen for a person whom I didn’t want to fall for in the beginning, but I cant tear my thoughts from him. He is always there invading my mind, my time, my space… The problem being- He isn’t truly there-I can never truly have him. I will never know how he feels about me.

This started when we decided to be ‘f*** buddies’ i guess, and thats all it was- until feelings I never knew I had- came crawling out (it’s not just from the sex, these feelings have been here now for over a year, and I am fully capable of sex without a relationship). Feelings I now realize I had even before I recently acknowledged them.

I know you will say for me - just tell him, but I already have- in significant detail… in which I got no reply. no Yes and no No. I asked if he understood, if he even received it (a letter)-yes, yes. I told him that he needed to say he didn’t feel the same, that he doesn’t want me. All he can reply is, that he doesn’t Not want to see me again. He wants to sill continue to have what we had before- a friendship with sex.

This does seem that he doesn’t want more, That he doesn’t want me. But I want him so badly that I can’t say no to this possibility either. Any hope of being in his arms, looking into his eyes, having a… something even if it is all a lie. It is a need, a desire, I can’t deny, I cant ignore (and I have tried) I can’t let go.

Where do I go from here?”

I do consider myself an expert when it comes to other people’s problems. I give great advice. If only I could use it in my own life! I will let you know now that most of the advice I give you is going to come from my personal experience and my opinion. I have seen this kind of thing many times with other people and have even experienced this type of situation myself, so I can tell you with confidence that I know what I’m talking about when it comes to this.

It seems that you have tried to do everything correctly here. You’re right, if you hadn’t already told him how you felt, that would’ve been pretty much the only advice I would be able to give you. But you did. And not only did you tell him how you felt, you asked him how he felt about that and even told him what you needed from him in return….a yes or a no. Of course, as it always is in these situations, he did not return you courtesies with the same courtesy. He didn’t give you a yes or a no. Frankly, he gave you nothing in return for you baring your soul to him. All he did was tell you what he wanted…too continue your ’strictly sexual’ relationship.

He has his cake and he’s eating it too. I hate to make the judgment of this person and say that he is selfish, but it’s hard not to with the information I’ve been given. He seems to have no regards for your feelings whatsoever. He wants to continue ‘getting his’ with no concern for how it’s hurting you. I can imagine what it’s like for you to have sex with him. All of this buildup for fulfillment that you’re desperate for and it never ends that way. You’re making love and he is simply ‘f***ing’.

Love is a very powerful emotion. From the beginning of time it has caused people to put up with way more than they deserve. And it’s all on the basis of hope. Maybe he’ll say what I need to hear today. Maybe if I’m good enough in bed, or pretty enough, or smart enough, and funny enough. Maybe this time. And it will continue like this. But I promise you, it’s not going to last. But not because of him, because of you. You’re going to get tired of this. You’re going to get angry and you’re going to slowly move on.

Whether you do it on purpose or it happens on its own, it is inevitable. Even with asking my advice you have expressed your doubts and frustrations with the situation. And as far as my advice goes, it is simple: take a step back.

It is well-known in most psychological ways of thinking that any addiction cannot be overcome without replacing it with something that can fill that same hole. Alcoholics sometimes cling to the social aspects of Alcoholics Annonymous. Overeaters may teach themselves to become addicted to working out. Drug addicts become addicted to their prescription depression medication and therapy.

This theory does not always have to end negatively. You can replace your addiction to loving this man with something that will help you in the end. Take one small step back from him. Nothing crazy, just something small. Call him a little less, leave a little earlier than you normally would, tell him how wonderful he is a little less, and in turn take a step closer to someone else. Not just anyone, but someone you already trust somewhat.

I don’t recommend just throwing yourself into another sexual relationship because you may find yourself in the same position, but I do recommend relying more on your friends and less on him. Take that small step away from him and towards someone else, and when it feels comfortable again, take another, and then another, until he is just a memory to you. This may seem impossible right now because you are so enamored of him, but I promise you it’s possible.

The most important thing you need to remember is to value yourself. Of all the people I know that have high self esteem and believe they deserve the best in life, none of them would put up with what you’re putting up with. They would move on because they would know that they deserved better. And you deserve better. No one deserves to love somebody and feel nothing reciprocated. You will find something better if you give yourself the chance, but being consumed by this will prevent you at every turn.

Take a small step back, and you will see that over time this will get easier. Believe in your heart, with all that you are, that you deserve better. Even if you have to fake it at first. Do not rely on the unreliable. Love yourself and others will stand in line for a chance to love you too.